我回想起，许多年前的一个除夕，我坐在电脑前，开着word，拼劲脑瓜地码字。那时候是在写小说还是日记我已不记得，但作为纪念，我觉得应该写点东西。

那时候大概是写了5000字左右，今天已经时间不早，大概500就收工吧。

受到沙拉碗8的鼓动，上周末去了时隔一年没去的卡拉OK店。这家店早7-9点是1刀一小时。我一个人喜欢去这里，之前跟朋友推荐过，但他们都不愿意早起。我一个人也能唱3个小时，而且这次我来的目的是锻炼呐喊。

不过我第一首歌选了「サンフェデッド」，可惜没有下载，唱不了（这家的Joysound是离线的）。于是唱了情绪的「アンビバレント」。不知不觉这首歌也有一年的历史了，去年七月左右公开的ETERNAL也未见记录。最近喜欢鸣潮的英文歌，可惜这是日语歌的机器，英文歌少的可怜。不然我就放声高唱 Then I’ll walk down the glory path了。

中间特地唱了BuzzG的 fairytale,，就是为了吼那一嗓子……感觉有吼出来，很满意。

最后爱包唱完（本来是想爱包结尾的，像无边无际的pi一样不是嘛），三小时还剩一首歌的时间，于是选了カンザキイオリ的「命に嫌われている」。感觉唱这首歌触及到了什么，我拼命地唱，调不着调、词也跟不上。最后结账的时候嗓子是嘶哑的。

那天晚上，我看到动漫群里有人谈论到被网暴自杀的英雄学院coser的事。看到例如「这时候还cos英雄学院」的言论，我感到，生命是如此之轻，而我们也把生命看得如此之轻。没有讣告，没有哀悼，只有朋友圈里的几行字，只有群里的谈资。不过，如果能相信自己纯粹的喜爱，并为其斗争直到最后，我觉得这就是自尊的最好体现了。

「さようなら、私たちに優しくない、すべての人々」（好长的书名）里有说「如果人是对每个人的死亡都能感到悲伤的话，世界哪里会有战争。」也因为如此吧，世界和平是大谎言，人们都是形单影只。

但就算如此，也让我们变得温柔吧。祝在看这篇文章的你一个好年。

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When I look back at my first Anime Expo, which is already over a month ago. I can’t help but feel that it planted something inside me. Taking someone’s word, it is about “being yourself”, being “unapolegitically into something”. I have always been reserved when I show my interests, especially when there is someone that obviously dislike, or ridicule it. I will fix the grammars later.

It was when Fanimecon 2024 ended. I got to know there is another even bigger convention in Los Angeles. It was called AX. Imaigne axing. It made a bent in my mind, and I was having ideas of going there. Originally I was plannig to go even on myself, but I was lucky enough to find someone to go with.

We came to know that last year’s AX was a complete disaster in terms of the crowd. So we did some preparation. Bought a fan. And we reserved a hotel. Planned to go by car but took the plane in the end. Such a wacky journey. But I am glad we did it.

To jump to the end. I still feel a sense of being lost. There was some energy inside me, and I was not sure what direction I am going with it. I came to know about Vshojo, which before I only knew about Melody. Not even Ironmouse. I grew fond of HIMEHINA, and I am kind of picking up my headphones again – before I was like not listening to music at all. I wore my headphones, but played nothing.

Later I watched HIMEHINA’s live, and also Isekaijoucho’s live.

I am still going over myself. Over the fear of being judged. Maybe people will think “the dude’s just listened to some songs and called himself a fan”. But fuck you. Genuinely. Honestly. What is wrong with being a fan of someone or something? What is wrong with loving a catchy song? Being unapolegitical. Serving cunt. That’s it. Haters can go fuck themselves. That’s what I’ve learned from Fujikura Uruka, whose sang her original song in AX, with her initals as the title, F.U.

Recall

Due to procrastination, the rest is written a year later, on Oct. 12, 2025.

I missed the 2025 AX because of visa delays, but got to attend CCG, Bilibili World and ChinaJoy. It was a shame that I missed Togenashitogeari’s first musical appearance in the US. But on the other hand I got to see Wuthering Waves’ booths, got to play some new games’ demo. Games are not really a thing in AX on the other hand. I should put them down in another blog post.

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我已经很久没有写博文了。

有一些草稿被丢在资料库里奄奄一息。看着它们，我为自己的想象力和发表这些东西的勇气而着迷。礼貌而言，这些文字尚待琢磨。但我已经忘了当时为什么写下这些字了，也无从落笔。好在今天有人工智能，让我交给AI完成其他的一个草稿。

突然觉得我太消极了。我开始读这些草稿的时候，只是漠然地觉得这些草稿挺大胆，但是仔细想来，这也是一种反射性思维。人有快和慢的两种思维方式，快的方式，从我的体感来说，比慢的方式更倾向于自我保卫。“习惯性地反对”大概也算是其中之一。习惯性地自我贬低来避免进一步的反省，我觉得是我看到这些字的第一反应。

我挺感激 OpenAI的，让我少一块心头肉。说错了，是少一个挂念。

我选择了“stori1”作为补完对象。结果已经更新在我的博客上了。

女主角取名叫Neren的原因，大概是谐音“内敛”，至少这是我看到这个名字的第一印象。一个更接近的猜想，是来自“Sukasuka”（終末なにしてますか?～）的女主人公之一的Nefren。也是挺内敛的一位。

虽然我害怕看悲剧结尾，但是我还是挺喜欢的。所以我让GPT-4重写了一遍，但是还是给了一样的结果，我只好特地写上”Please finish the story with a tragic ending“。

两份结果我都放在那篇文章里了。如此两个分支并排放在同一篇文章里，是不是有一种，game book的感觉？在没有计算机的时代里，读互动游戏书的时候我们应该是翻着纸质书籍，遇到一个选择分支的时候，通过查找确定下一段的位置——这种古老的体验。我曾经也想着做一个网页版的互动游戏书……仔细想想，就算开源好像也没啥问题，只是我懒得写，加上实力不足。

故事结局带有些许《罗密欧与朱丽叶》的韵味，尽管比较简略但也算恰到好处。我并没有十足的信心能够写下更优美的结局。

我现在脑里空空，没有什么要写的了，就此搁笔，下次再会……

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